The Cursed Tomb: Chapter 39 – The Best at Kicking

So Adam and Ian don’t feel like they play enough D&D. To rectify this, they started playing a text-based adventure with a couple of friends, still using the 5th edition framework. We thought it would be fun to clean up the transcripts of this adventure and start publishing it in weekly chapters here on the site. Let us know what you think, and please share around! If you missed Chapter 1, check it out here!

Disclaimer: This is the transcript of a text-based D&D game played over a period of 6 months. Bad language included. Picture based dice rolls/media omitted. Names changed to preserve anonymity. Goblin based violence frequent. You have been warned. If you missed Chapter 38, find it here!


DM: The fang of yeenoghu looms over Faustus, screams with rage, and attacks three times. Claw, claw, bite

DM: 12, 12, 22

Faustus: 22 hits

DM: That would be the bite

DM: Make a constitution saving throw

Faustus: Yup

Faustus: Is this poison or disease based con save?

DM: 9 piercing

DM: And yeah, poison

Faustus: Ok, so what does disease actually cover then? Because I have immunity to that but if poison isn’t covered by it am I basically just immune to the flu and maybe VD?

DM: Hm

DM: There are also diseases in game, cackling fever etc

DM: Think it only covers you for monster specific diseases and things specified as diseases. so 9 poison buddy

Faustus: Seems like a bit of a shit ability…

Faustus: Wait, 16 con save

Constance: Yeah there are some pretty grim diseases in the DMG.

DM: Oh okay you are okay for poison

DM: Constance! You are up!

Faustus: Do I still take that damage, or was that just 9 piercing and thats it?

DM: Just piercing

Faustus: Phew

Constance: Right. How fucked is this guy looking?

DM: Wee gnoll by you looks like a good hit would finish him. Covered in blood, one shoulder dislocated, one eye swollen shut

DM: Big lad has only taken one hit, but it was a solid one.still seems pretty full throttle though

Constance: I fuck him up with the staff. I’ve realised these things are pretty fucking evil

Constance: 18 to hit

Constance: And 8 bludgeoning

Constance: Assuming that hits

DM: Yup and yup

Constance: he still standing?

DM: The ankh staff caves in the gnoll’s head

Constance: booyah

DM: And a second rune glows onto the staff

DM: Above the skeletal hand, a new rune- a corpse, with a light shining on it

DM: Bronan you are up

Constance: hold on! im going to tan another healing potion as a bonus action

DM: How many of those do you have?!

Constance: none now

Constance: i had two

Constance: but yeah 9 points of healing

DM: Play

DM: Okay. Bronan, big dog man biting lizard friend. what do?

‪Bronan: Ggaaaarrrg recklessly smash

‪Bronan: 18 to hit

DM: Yeah that does it

‪Bronan: 16 damage

‪Bronan: Yay, it good to smash!

Constance: (jiminy cricket!)

DM: He looks a bit bloodied after that big hit

DM: Faustus, you are up

Faustus: Ok another slash across the stomach this time with my sword, 21 or a 9 to hit

Faustus: Assuming that does, gonna be another divine smite! Lets roll better!

Faustus: 10 slashing and… 8 radiant. That is exactly the same as last time.

DM: Oof

DM: Still standing but that is three very serious hits he has taken

DM: He almost staggers back, but yells ‘Yeenoghu!’

DM: And thrusts forward. Claw claw bite at faustus

Faustus: Mother fucker does not like me one bit

DM: 23, 20,23

Faustus: Haha yeah.

DM: 14 slashing from the claws

DM: 6 piercing from the bite

DM: And a constitution save please

Faustus: 21 save

Faustus: But I’m down

Constance: oh no!

DM: Ha, do you get disadvantage on saves if you are KO?

DM: Also, important- down after claws, or claws and bite?

Faustus: Oh claws. I had 8 hp.

Faustus: Oh so I still save a con

Faustus: But I take more damage?

Constance: yeah basically that last bite is a crit

Constance: actually no

Faustus: Ok so the bite actually just costs me 2 death saves?

Faustus: Jesus

DM: No just 1

Faustus: Oh right. Yeah.

DM: Unconscious and zero hot points are different

DM: But yeah you’ve got one failed

DM: So uh

DM: Constance

DM: Here you go

DM: Shit sorry Faustus

DM: Actually it is an auto crit if you are unconscious, and crit does two failures

DM: Hey constance

Faustus: Haha ok

DM: Your staff has two glowing runs on it

DM: The beast stands over faustus, who lies bleeding from a dozen dozen wounds

Constance: fuck

Constance: (genuine moral dilemma. I’m probably the best option to save faustus, as I have +4 medicine, but if we don’t take this thing down before its next turn then we are likely all dead as I have only 13 HP left, this will literally come down to just a couple of rolls)

Faustus: Hey if you take him out this turn then I can be stabilised much more easily out of combat!

Constance: fuck. ok i have bloodlust


Constance: slow motion run – karate kid style spinning kick and then smash in the chops with the staff

‪Bronan: (Bro Im looking like I’ve had a few pints but Bronan is totally still tanking)

Constance: Not a good start

Constance: BUUUUUUT

‪Bronan: (and I have a healers kit so I can pick you both up)

Constance: Halfling lucky!

Constance: 20 to hit on the reroll for the kick!

DM: That hits!

Constance: I’m the best at kicking

Constance: I have the best kicks

Constance: I’ve kicked so many times you wouldn’t believe

Constance: you know who cant kick? Yeenoghu

Constance: max damage = 8!

DM: He

DM: Is still standing

DM: Barely up but up


Constance: 17 to hit!

DM: (so that kick was your bonus action?)

DM: That hits

Constance: yup

Constance: martial arts bitch

Constance: 6 damage

DM: He is still alive! Stumbles to a knee

DM: And vomits black blood

DM: Bronan I think it is you?

Constance: KILL IT!

DM: Kill the gnoll, save the world. Or save your pal. Or run away

‪Bronan: Hmm I’m raging, I glance at Faustus and yell at the top of my lungs, foam flying everywhere as I recklessly attack

DM: Super

‪Bronan: 22 to hit

DM: That’ll do it

‪Bronan: 15, my  virtual d12 is on fire!

DM: As the gnoll reaches forward with the last of its strength to claw out Faustus’s throat, you clobber it with the beers. You can hear it’s jaw snap, and it slides to the ground with a sickening squelch

‪Bronan: (I shake my head) his, Bronan have weird dream of dog people and Faustus friend being hurt

‪Bronan: And you were there Constance. And so was sir dribbles

‪Bronan: Oh dear, it not dream and I’d like to try to stabilise Faustus

DM: Alright. Medicine check

‪Bronan: (I’ve never done this with a healing kit before)

DM: Oh let me check

Constance: it means you dont need to make a check

Constance: 10 uses

DM: Oh really?

DM: Alright faustus

‪Bronan: Wham bam

DM: Pulled from the brink

DM: Roll a d4 please Faustus

Faustus: 3

DM: Faustus will wake up in three or so hours probably

‪Bronan: Constance, we make camp until he wake up? Three hours give Bronan time to make some bread and bacon for tea?

‪Bronan: (Bronan has a make believe cook show that he cohosts with Sir dribbles called forks of faerun in the style of great British bake off)

Constance: yes, we should rest. you look after faustus and Ill check around to ensure that this place is safe

‪Bronan: Ok great, Bronan things he have a pomegranate to make dressing for flathead sandwich

‪Bronan: (i get out sir dribbles and uses the portable ram as a cooking counter while narrating cooking show style to am unconscious Faustus)

DM: (well done guys, you have defeated the airship guardians!)

Constance: (haha fuck)

DM: Constance you are poking about?

Constance: yeah I’d like to investigate around the airship and inside it

DM: You are in what looks to be the engine hold

DM: Aside from that, it seems to be shaped like a standard sailing ship, but the bottom back where you are is full of cogs and spare parts

DM: There is a door to the forward hold that seems barred from the other side

Constance: I’m basically trying to see if there is anything dangerous or interesting

DM: Not in this compartment. Total of six dead gnolls, dead gnoll big fella, dead gnoll shaman

Constance: search the bodies?

Constance: carefully

DM: They have assorted shitty armour. Gnoll shaman has a warped wooden staff and a necklace of teeth

DM: In the back of the hold is a dead cockatrice, that they seem to have been eating for a few days. This whole room stinks of dog and rotting meat and blood. lot of flies

DM: Much nicer out by the fire

Constance: as long as it seems safe, ill head back out to the fire

DM: Okay great

Constance: I’m fucked and broken, I reckon I’ll probably fall asleep

DM: Long rest maybe?

Constance: that is what i was going for

‪Bronan: I’ll keep watch and tend to my wounded peeps after a hearty but heart healthy dinner

DM: Kay

Faustus: I would thank you but I’m unconscious

DM: Deep in the south desert, days and miles from the nearest friendly faces, the shadow of the airship protects you as you sleep through the night. The gnoll corpses, dragged just far away to not offend your senses, are a potent reminder of the danger you face. Inside the airship, the ersatz mayor of al’shash’s offering to the pirates of the coast as he hoped to seal an alliance

DM: Your camel calmly chews red grass and relaxes by the fire.

DM: As the dawn breaks you feel revitalised

DM: A treasure hoard! The only challenge now- breaking into the ship, and figuring out how to get it back to civilisation!

‪Bronan: I wipe the remains of preparing breakfast shakshoukeh off the portable ram and sling it over my shoulder

DM: Brilliant

Faustus: My friends, thank you. I am lucky to have you as allies.

Constance: All for one!

‪Bronan: And all for breakfast?


Come back next Monday for Chapter 40 of The Cursed Tomb!

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